When Was the Last Time You Felt Completely Alive?

Most of us can count these moments on one hand. And that’s a problem worth solving.

This post was originally published on my Substack. The faces of the bridesmaids behind her were a blur, the celebrant’s voice felt distant, and the rows of guests might as well have been mist. I couldn’t tell who was crying and who was smiling. All I could see was her.

The moment I’ve been dreaming about, planning for, and looking forward to had finally arrived. And with it, arrived focus, presence and tranquillity of mind. That was the most present moment in my whole life.

And ever since that day, I’ve been wondering why that feeling is so hard to find on an ordinary day.

Most of us live in the background of our own lives.

We’re always thinking about the next thing, or the thing that already happened, and somewhere along the way we stopped noticing the quiet moments in between. We’re constantly pulled in different directions, never really focused on just one thing at a time. We’re constantly rushing to the next thing, feeling anxious for no reason, or dwelling on the things outside our control. It seems that only on special days can we actually force ourselves to be in the moment.

So why does life only feel real on these special days?

Why Ordinary Life Feels Less ‘Real’

Maybe you’re looking forward to a holiday, an upcoming camping trip over the weekend, the next school holidays, or an overdue overseas trip. Whatever it is, you might feel that when that moment arrives, your life will finally be perfect. You will finally have the permission to ‘unplug ’ and not worry about a thing, simply living instead of worrying and stressing.

Those moments matter. They’re the ones we usually remember best. Abraham Maslow, a famous american psychologist, called them peak experiences: brief, intense moments where self-consciousness drops away, and you feel more alive, connected, and real.

Also similar is flow: when challenge and skill meet, attention locks in, and time seems to disappear. But for whatever reason, these peak experiences and flow states seem to be as elusive as the focus they bring.

The problem isn’t that these “real” moments are rare, but rather that we’ve made ourselves unavailable for them.

Over the last decade, screens have come to dominate all aspects of our lives. We feel the need to always be turned ‘on’, to be available, to be ready for whatever comes next. We spend so much time being pulled into the future and thinking about the past that we never even get to experience the present.

That’s exactly why intention matters. As does presence. As does having a mind that isn’t constantly being pulled in ten different directions.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present. - Master Oogway from Kung Fu Panda

Another Kind of Peak Experience

Besides the recent peak experience of my wedding, I’ve had the privilege of experiencing these moments many times during my swimming career.

Standing on the blocks before an important race, I wasn’t thinking about trivial things like what I’d eat for dinner or that nasty thing someone said to me earlier. None of that mattered. All I could feel was the water, the weight in my muscles, the pressure in my chest, and the fact that this was what I had been working towards for years. Pure focus, driven by purpose and my vision.

And yes, it hurt. Sometimes a lot. But it also made me feel alive.

Alive because I knew exactly what I was there to do, because my body was fully engaged, and because there was nowhere else for my mind to go. In short, my present was fully aligned with my future goals and vision.

Think about your own list of past peak experiences. What shows up on it, and what do those moments have in common?

How Presence Shows Up in Ordinary Life

I can hear you saying: this is all well and good, but I’m not an athlete, and I’m not planning on standing in front of the altar anytime soon.

Fair enough.

But luckily for you, the conditions that made my wedding feel real and my swimming career so satisfying can be deliberately created in ordinary life. Perhaps not all the time, but far more often than most of us do now.

You can start small.

• Walking in nature without music, podcasts, or audiobooks is a great place to start. You will be surprised how many things are happening all around you if only you open your eyes and listen carefully.

• One of my favourite ways to stay present is to keep my phone in another room while I work. I know I don’t have the mental strength to resist the apps, so I remove them from my reach altogether.

• The next thing to try is to do one thing at a time and give it your full attention. Multitasking is a myth and simply doesn’t work. I guarantee you that focusing on one thing at a time will yield better results over time. Your work will get done more accurately and faster.

• The next thing took me a while to master. Growing up, I used to eat lunches alone, so to keep my mind occupied, I watched a YouTube video while I ate. Big mistake… Being distracted while eating will make your food taste bland, and you’ll be less likely to enjoy it. I challenge you to be present while you eat.

• Lastly, sit with your thoughts in the moment instead of immediately trying to escape them. Since starting meditation, I’ve noticed I’m much calmer, insults or mean comments don’t affect me, and my mind doesn’t wander as much. Being comfortable with your thoughts is a prerequisite to a calm and happy life.

The ideas above are not complicated, but they do ask something of us that has been made hard by modern life: stay present with what’s right in front of us.

Looking back, my wedding wasn’t special because of the venue, the beautiful weather, or the vows we made to each other.

It was special because, for once, I decided that moment was enough. That it was all I had, and all I would ever get from it. And so I embraced it fully, without expectations and without judgment.

What if you made this same decision today?

-Anže

Mindset & Performance Coach